


Burning

by CrowJane



Series: Playing with Fire [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:34:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28224696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrowJane/pseuds/CrowJane
Summary: Natasha and James have been reunited, but new relationships take work.  Doubly so when there’s the distraction of a murderous AI trying to destroy the world.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Series: Playing with Fire [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067645
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	1. Storming

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 of my reimagining of the MCU, featuring Natasha and Bucky. This one takes place during “Age of Ultron”. 
> 
> If you haven’t read “Old Flame” yet, do yourself a favor and start there!

Natasha Romanov let out a long breath, her face turned toward the sky. Though her moss green eyes were trained on the cold, white clouds above, her mind was somewhere else. Somewhere warmer. 

“It sounds nice though, doesn’t it? A little sun, hot sand, tropical drinks… the whole thing.”

She turned back to the man before her, watching as he finished stuffing some extra ammunition into a black duffle bag. 

“I can’t go to the beach, Tasha,” James “Bucky” Barnes replied. “How am I going to hide this?” He gestured with his real hand toward his metal arm, a grimace on his face. 

Undeterred, Natasha continued, a smile painting her lips. “That’s why I suggested a private beach, darling.”

The man rolled his icy blue eyes. “We still have to get there through an airport. I’m sure to draw attention rolling up in a floral print Hawaiian shirt with this thing sticking out.”

He zipped up the bag with more force than necessary and shoved it into the back of the Jeep. “Besides,” he grumbled, “my arm isn’t exactly seaside compatible. Sand gets caught between the plates.” 

Biting her tongue, Natasha opened the vehicle’s door and slipped into the driver’s seat. Planning a vacation with the Winter Soldier was turning out to be an exercise in patience. They had both decided they needed to get away together, to take a break from the stress, painful memories, and frequent combat that raiding Hydra’s bases brought along. They had both agreed that it would do their relationship some good to isolate themselves from the troubles of the world, even if only for a week or two. Agreeing had been easy. Getting the moody man to commit to a destination and itinerary was more of a challenge.

The low rumbling of a motorcycle engine drew her out of her thoughts as Steve Rogers pulled up beside them. “You two ready?”

“Yup,” James replied shortly, moving toward his own bike. 

Natasha placed a communications piece in her ear in time to hear the rest of the team checking in. Dragging her mind from crystal waters and mai-tais, she turned her attention to the job at hand. “Lead the way, Tony,” she said, glancing upward to see a crimson and gold figure soar overhead. 

This base turned out to the better fortified than the others they had encountered turning their quick takeover into an all out battle. It would make sense that as they lost one station after another to the Avengers, Hydra would dedicate more and more firepower to protecting their remaining assets. But this seemed excessive enough to promise there was something of high value inside. The extra fortifications were certainly keeping all of the Avengers busy. Steve and James zipping through the forest on their motorcycles, shield and bullets flying, Clint’s arrows taking out individual targets, Thor’s hammer sparking, Tony hunting from above, and Hulk… well, smashing. 

When barricade made sure her Jeep could go no further, Natasha sprung into the fray with the rest of them. There were more Hydra soldiers here than usual, certainly. But they went down as easily as usual too.

“‘At long last’ is lasting a little long, boys,” she remarked, shaking her crimson hair back from her face after taking out two enemies at once. 

Her friends continued to fight, and continued their banter. Nothing wrong with having a little fun while they worked, she supposed. 

Another soldier crumpled at her side, and Nat looked up to find James standing over the body. He gave her a nod, but she didn’t miss the flash of fire in his eyes. The Winter Soldier was in there, reveling in blood, drinking adrenaline, destroying their enemies. It was part of her job to be sure he didn’t get lost in that side of himself. Just like it was part of her job to put the Hulk to rest at the end of the battle. God, sometimes she felt like everyone’s mother.

She really needed that time off.

“Well, what about Iceland?” Natasha asked, taking cover behind a tree as a storm of bullets flew past.

James pressed his back against a second tree, taking a moment to fix his blue eyes on her. “Iceland?” he repeated, disbelief coloring his voice. “You’re still talking about vacation?”

“I’m multitasking,” she said with a shrug. “Northern lights, pretty scenery, interesting food. You could get away with long sleeves and gloves everywhere. Maybe we would even see some puffins. They’re cute.”

A muscle in his jaw twitched. “You didn’t get enough snow in Siberia?”

Nat let out a long sigh and leaned her head back against the bark, choking down her exasperation as her boyfriend whirled from behind his tree, taking out another target.

That’s when she was suddenly distracted by Clint’s cry of pain.

The archer had fallen to the ground, and Natasha was at his side in no time. His abdomen was wounded, scorched and bleeding. It looked bad. Natasha gritted her teeth. He needed medical attention, but the gunfire that rained all around them was a stark reminder of their vulnerability out in the open. 

But she couldn’t move Clint. Not with his injuries, and not on her own. The only alternative was to eliminate the Hydra soldiers that were shooting at them. But in her position, she couldn’t do that herself, either. 

“Someone wanna take care of that bunker?” she asked into her earpiece. 

James’ voice was the first to come through with an affirmative, and she looked up to see him moving with purpose toward the target in question. But he wasn’t the only one, and the Hulk was faster. In only a few seconds the green monster left the little fortification in shambles. 

Natasha’s green eyes watched James as he drew to a halt, his gaze fixed on Bruce. A flash of frustration crept over James’ face before disappearing in a blink, hidden away beneath his usual mask of cool stoicism. But Nat had seen it, and she logged it away in the back of her mind. 

Clint groaned as he tried to sit up, bringing her back to the here and now. She put her hand gently on her friend’s shoulder, urging him not to move. She worked to bandage his side as best she could with limited supplies. She could stop the bleeding, at least temporarily, at least for long enough to get him back to the jet. 

The scraping of dirt under heavy boots indicated that James had taken a place at her side, but Nat kept her eyes on her work. Her friend was muttering something, and she did her best to listen without breaking her concentration. 

“There was a kid,” Clint was saying, his voice coming out between gasps. “He was fast.”

She felt James’ feet shift in the dirt next to her. “How fast?” he asked. 

Both Natasha and Clint paused to look up at him. 

“Inhumanly fast,” Clint replied, slowly.

The words had barely left his mouth when the Winter Soldier was on the move, and Natasha watched him go with a frown on her face and a feeling of unease growing in her stomach. 

—-

Captain America was fighting nearby, shield glinting in the cold sunlight as it swung, dropping yet another one of Hydra’s soldiers. James made his way toward his friend with urgent but precise steps, his eyes scanning the surrounding trees. 

“Steve!” James barked as he advanced, drawing his friend’s attention from the unconscious body beneath him. “We’ve got enhanced on the field!”

Steve straightened, his eyes widening slightly. “What kind of-“

Bucky barely saw his target before it struck, a blur of black zigzagging through the forest. It knocked into Captain America, but the super soldier managed to land on his feet. Surprise was written all over his face as his eyes moved to meet James’ again.

The blur approached again, and this time James was ready. He spun to meet it, squaring his shoulders and facing it head on. His metal arm was flexed, knees slightly bent, eyes fixed in his target. But the streak drew to a sudden stop just out of his reach.

The boy… well, he was nearly a man now, wasn’t he? He had stopped and was blatantly staring at James. His sky blue eyes were wide with terror, his chest rising and falling rapidly, as if he was looking at a ghost. “No,” he muttered, his voice just above a whisper.

James held up his metal hand and lowered the gun in his other. “Pietro,” he replied, keeping his voice firm and even. “Wait just a moment.”

The boy shook his head and he took a step backward. “No,” he repeated, his voice carrying an edge of panic. “Not you!”

He was gone in a flash. 

Stifling a sigh of disappointment, James lowered his eyes to the ground. He should have expected that. 

“Friend of yours?” Steve asked, dryly, from behind him. 

James didn’t particularly feel like talking about it. “Long story.”

“Drawbridge is down, people,” Stark interrupted over their communicators.

Steve straightened his shoulders and glanced toward the stronghold. “I’ve gotta get in there with Stark,” he said. “Can you take the lead out here?”

“What?” Bucky replied, surprised. “No. Natasha, Thor, and Banner can easily handle things out here. I’m coming with you.”

His friend shook his head. “We know Strucker is here, and we want him alive. It’s better you keep your distance.”

An angry fire ignited in the Winter Soldier’s chest. Baron Wolfgang von Strucker. One of Hydra’s mad scientists that had experimented on him. And on others. Strucker was a monster, and he deserved an immediate and painful death. James wouldn’t deny that he would absolutely love to be the one to deliver that end. 

But if his orders were to bring Strucker in alive, then so be it. His best friend, apparently, didn’t seem to have the same faith that the Soldier within him could resist taking his revenge. 

“You don’t think I can control myself,” he said, more of a statement than a question.

Steve let out a long sigh, exasperation written on his features. “I just don’t want to put you in a situation where-“

“Bullshit.” James checked his ammunition and started off toward the fortress. “Let’s go.”

He didn’t look back to see Steve’s reaction, but listened carefully as he heard the other man’s feet shuffle in indecision before finally moving to catch up to him. James stifled a sigh of relief. 

They pair walked in silence for several seconds before Steve turned toward him again. “Look, Buck, I know this isn’t the time or place to talk about it… But is there anything else I should know about this situation? About the enhanced?”

“Yeah,” Bucky replied, glancing up to scan the landscape around them. “There’s also a girl. Don’t let her get close enough to touch you.” 

—-

Storming the stronghold was easy once Stark had the shield down, and it wasn’t long before the two friends found their target. 

Strucker was everything Bucky remembered him to be: a coward wrapped in a cloak of power, a weasel pretending to be a lion. 

“Hydra’s number one thug,” Steve mused aloud as he faced the villain. 

“I remember when that title belonged to your comrade,” Strucker replied, grinning at the Winter Soldier. 

James scowled at him in return. “The difference is I was brainwashed and forced into it. You're a monster by choice.”

The man chuckled, but failed to keep the nervous quiver out of his voice. “I could be quite an asset to SHIELD,” he pleaded, raising his hands in submission. “You’ll mention how i cooperated, I hope?”

“Yeah,” Steve replied with a snort. “I’ll put it right under illegal human experimentation.”

James circled their target, coming to a stop just behind the baron. A flash of amusement pulsed through him at the way Strucker flinched when he leaned in closer. “We’ve already seen Pietro. Where’s Wanda?” he demanded. 

“Who knows? Both the twins have become more headstrong lately. She could be doing anything. Whatever she wants,” Strucker responded, an ugly sneer on his face. “All of you are the same. We gave you everything. Power, strength. We made you special. And what do you do in return?” 

He was growing bolder in his anger. “You turn around and bite the hand that feeds you. All of you are no better than dogs!”

That was when the Winter Soldier decided he had had enough. A metal fist met the side of Strucker’s head, and their enemy crumpled to the ground at his feet.

“Aw, c’mon Bucky…” Steve moaned. 

James shook his dark hair back from his face and shrugged. “All you said was not to kill him.”

His friend shook his head, a short laugh escaping his lips in spite of himself. “I guess you’re right. It’ll be nice not to hear his chatter while we take him in, anyway.”

“You’re welcome,” James replied with a smirk.


	2. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes! This one got a little dark.

Commander Maria Hill was waiting for the jet as they landed, and she quickly ushered the Avengers (minus Hawkeye) into a conference room for debriefing. A quick word of congratulations was offered, along with her reassurance that Barton was getting aid and that Strucker was in the secure hands of NATO. She listened intently while the group gave her a rundown of the battle’s events, and seemed particularly keen on hearing about the two enhanced individuals.

James let her speak, only half listening. He already knew who the twins were. Knew better than Hill or any of her intelligence agents did. Probably better than any of her agents could even dig up. As Shuri had promised him back in Wakanda, his memories had been slowly returning. Even the stuff he didn’t want to remember. 

“I did a little research on Strucker’s guinea pigs just before you landed, but wasn’t able to find much,” the commander said, turning her tablet screen toward the rest of them to show an image of the young man and woman. “Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Twins. Orphaned at ten when a shell collapsed their apartment building. Sokovia's had a rough history. It's nowhere special but it's on the way to everywhere special.”

“What exactly are their abilities?” Banner asked, straightening his glasses, looking interested. 

“He’s fast,” Steve answered. 

Stark sank back into his chair. “And she’s weird.” 

James’ eyebrows went up at that one. Stark hadn’t said anything about encountering any resistance when he got the scepter. Apparently, Wanda had been there. 

He felt a pair of eyes on him and instinctively glanced to his left. Natasha was watching him, her pretty green eyes sparkling with concern. 

He had spoken of the twins before, but only to her, and without much detail. He didn’t want to tell her more than he already had. He didn’t want to tell anyone. But his team had questions, and he was the only one who had answers. 

He felt pressure on his metal hand and a sense of warmth. He didn’t sense physical touch with that hand the same way he did with his real one, but he still could tell when Natasha entwined her fingers with his, and he still felt the encouragement she meant to give. 

He gripped her smaller hand in return. She loved him, he reminded himself. She knew at least some of the horrors of his past, and she loved him anyway. He took a deep breath to ground himself before finding his voice.

“Wanda and Pietro were willing volunteers for Hydra’s experiments,” James began, “but once they were in, they were prisoners just like I was.”

Commander Hill slowly lowered herself into a seat, letting James take control of the room. He glanced briefly around at his teammates before continuing, trying his best to keep his emotions from showing on his face or in his voice. 

“I don’t know what the experiments consisted of. I wasn’t even at the same base as them a lot of the time. But as they grew, so did their abilities. I was ordered to give them combat lessons, and that got harder and harder as they got a hold of their powers. Pietro’s got lightning fast speed, not just in the way he moves, but in the way his mind works. His reaction time is off the charts. And Wanda can control things with her mind. Move things. Make people see things that aren’t there.”

Tony leaned forward in his chair again. “The things she makes people see… are they just visions? Or can she show the future?” 

James met his eyes and held them. “They’re just visions,” he replied, hoping voice carried the reassuring firmness he wanted to convey. “She learned quickly to play on people’s worst fears. That she could control them pretty easily that way.”

Tony ran his hand through his hair and nodded, refusing to say more on the subject. James let the matter drop. 

“The problem with these two is that they’re loyal to Hydra. They were coerced into joining as vulnerable kids and grew up believing the lies we were all fed, that the violence and terror we handed out was going to make the world a better place.”

“Do you think they would listen to reason?” Hill asked, cutting into his thoughts. “If they remember you from Hydra and see you’ve turned, perhaps they would want to know why.”

James hesitated, his voice catching in his throat. In the silence, Steve spoke for him.

“The boy was afraid of him,” he said, his bright blue eyes watching his friend. James could see his mind working, already putting the pieces together. 

His metal fist closed around the armrest of his chair, and a muscle in his jaw twitched. “Yeah,” he slowly admitted. “He’s afraid of me. I… uh…”

In his uncertainty, his eyes found Natasha’s again. How many confessions of dark deeds past would she accept? Someday, would one of his terrible sins come to light that would change the way she felt about him? Make her abandon his side?

The room was thick with tension as James took a shallow breath. He leaned forward, elbows on the table, hands clenched before him. His eyes searched the ceiling, partly wishing for an escape route, partly to avoid looking at his comrades.

“Pietro has a smart mouth and a cocky attitude,” he finally continued. “Always has. One day, he pissed the wrong guy off. Some commanding officer. I don’t know what was said or why, but I was given the orders to punish him.

“They put us together in a room, the same room we used for training. He thought it was just another sparring match. I had a hell of a time catching him, but eventually I did. And I beat him until they told me to stop.”

James turned his gaze back to Hill, his cheeks feeling hot with shame. “I almost killed him,” he admitted. “He was in a coma for about a week.”

He remembered it all too well. The crunch of bones beneath his fist. The hot, oozing blood against his knuckles. The way Pietro had begged him to stop. The horror of betrayal in his eyes. The disappointment. The way his own heart had been screaming for his handlers to please just give the order to stop hitting this kid.

“So no,” James finished, his mouth dry. “I don’t think either of them will be too interested in hearing what I have to say.”

The room fell into silence again as the weight of James’ words fell over the Avengers. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Stark mumbled.

“Language,” Steve cut in. 

Stark rolled his eyes. “You know, Cap, under any other circumstances, that comment would have been funny.”

Hill cleared her throat. “Whether we like it or not, these two are on our list of enemies now. They didn’t have any qualms about engaging us on the battlefield, and we can’t take the threat of two enhanced running around out there.”

She took her tablet back and turned it off, letting her eyes linger on the dark screen for a few seconds. “If you can turn them, great. But if you can’t save them, you’ll have to stop them.”

James gave a short nod, and the rest of his team echoed their agreement. 

“If there’s nothing else, I have to get going,” the commander said, dismissing them from their debriefing. But Stark quickly raised his hand.

“Question,” he said, a grin returning to his face now that the seriousness of their mission was truly behind them. “Are you coming to the party Saturday?”

The woman hesitated to answer, but Thor jumped in with encouragement. “Our victory should be honored with revels!”

That made Hill give a short laugh, and finally she nodded. “Sure thing, I’ll be there.”

The two heroes cheered, and even Banner gave way to a smile. James let the others go back to talking and joking, doing his best to keep from falling into the black pit of depression that was threatening to swallow him whole. He felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced up to see that Natasha had risen from her seat and was standing behind him. 

“I’m going to go check on Clint,” she said, her voice still carrying an edge of concern. “Want to come with?”

He nodded and rose to his feet. The last thing he wanted was to be alone with his memories.


	3. Healing

Natasha watched with curiosity as a machine cast blueish-green beams onto her friend’s side. An odd whirring sound hummed along with her thoughts. It looked as though Clint’s wound was going back in time, becoming less and less severe until his body was the same as it had been before he was shot. 

“His cells don't know they're bonding with simulacrum,” Dr. Helen Cho explained, beaming down at the progress. “It’s like regenerating tissue.”

She was clearly proud of her work, and with good reason, Nat thought to herself. The technology was amazing. She even felt a little foolish for being so worried about Clint in the first place. 

“This is incredible,” James grunted at her side, echoing her thoughts. 

Dr. Cho grinned again before leaving the room to talk with one of her assistants. Nat‘s green eyes followed her exit, waiting until the dark haired woman was safely out of earshot before speaking. 

“Have you told Laura yet?” 

The archer snorted. “No,” he began. “Figured I’d better be at full strength if I’m going to have to face her wrath.”

“Well, you’d better confess before the next dinner party,” James replied with a chuckle. “You know Tasha won’t keep that secret for you.” 

Natasha shot him a glare, but Clint was speaking again before she do more. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll call her after this.” He waved his hand dismissively at the machine stitching him together. “When are you guys coming over again, anyway? Lila keeps asking about seeing Uncle Bucky again.” 

Natasha let out a mock gasp and pressed her palm to her chest. “Oh! Have I been replaced as her favorite person?” 

“I raised her to have better sense than that,” Clint teased. 

James laughed at that, and Nat couldn’t help but smile along. Clint had been one of her best friends for years. He had crossed her path when she had just defected from Russia. She was alone, heartbroken, vulnerable, and without any directive besides simply fleeing. Instead of taking advantage of her, Clint had helped her connect with SHIELD, had been a partner on many missions, and he had done more than just put her on the straight and narrow. His loyalty had helped her have confidence in her own identity. When he and Laura had started getting serious in their relationship, Nat was one of the only people Clint told. And she and Laura quickly became close friends as well.

Now that Natasha finally had a solid relationship of her own, Mr. and Mrs. Barton welcomed James into their home with open arms. He had been nervous at first, as James always was when approaching an unfamiliar situation. But after their first home cooked meal, the lines of tension in his face had relaxed and his eyes were light with laughter. 

The power of a child’s hug sometimes was the best therapy, Natasha mused to herself. While she and James would never, could never have a cozy country house and a pair of kids running around, it was refreshing to spend time with the Bartons every once in a while. It was good for both of them, Natasha thought as she watched her lover laugh at another one of Clint’s jokes, forgetting his personal darkness for a moment. 

“And you should have seen Cooper running around with foil on his arm the other day,” Clint was continuing. “He was annoying the heck out of the dog. I think-“

His mouth suddenly snapped shut as all three heroes simultaneously sensed movement in the doorway. Nat turned, refocusing her attention on the present, following her friend’s gaze to see Tony approaching. The billionaire had a cup of juice in hand and Bruce in tow. 

“Wait, I thought I ordered a beer,” Clint complained as Tony passed him the beverage. 

The billionaire shrugged. “Take it out of my tip.” He waved to Dr. Cho through the window, and the woman hurriedly re-entered the room with a smile. 

“Now that you’ve seen the technology, do you believe me, Tony?” Dr. Cho asked. “This is the future. Your clunky metal suits will soon be a thing of the past.”

Tony smiled back. “Helen, I believe it and I’m glad for it,” he replied. 

The doctor’s grin widened, but her eyes had already moved from Tony’s, something else catching her attention. 

“Sergeant Barnes,” she said, making James look up with a start. “Can I speak to you for a moment?”

James hesitated, casting a suddenly uneasy glance back at his girlfriend. Natasha gave him a small shrug. She had no idea what Dr. Cho wanted either, but her curiosity was definitely sparked. She watched the two as James gave the doctor a curt nod and followed her to the far end of the room, barely keeping her own apprehension in check. 

The doctor talked quietly, her volume well below what Nat could hear over the humming machines and banter between the other men in the room. She did her best to watch the pair out of the corner of her eye, pretending to pay attention to the other men as they discussed their upcoming party. But when she saw the dark haired woman reach out to touch James’ forearm, Nat only just kept herself from jumping to her feet.

To her surprise, the Winter Soldier didn’t shy away from the doctor’s hand. He was usually so sensitive about that prosthetic part of his body, that reminder of Hydra’s torture and manipulation, often keeping it hidden under long sleeves or with his hands in his pockets. Instead, he was watching the doctor’s face with what appeared to be interest. Perhaps a spark of excitement. The corners of his mouth had even begun to turn upwards. 

Natasha’s eyes narrowed. 

The conversation lasted only a few moments, and James was back at her side in no time at all. She shot him a questioning look, but he gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

_Not here_ , he was telling her. _Not in front of everyone else._

Nat folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips in frustration. Fine. 

Her attention returned to her friends… at least partially, as she tried her best to tuck away the haunting vision of Cho’s hand on James’ arm. 

—-

Natasha woke to the unfamiliar feeling of an empty bed.

She ran her hand over the place to her left where he always slept. Where he should have been. But it was empty and cold, like the feeling that suddenly settled into her stomach. 

Nat’s eyes snapped open and she quickly sat up, waiting impatiently for her eyes to adjust to the dim room. Much to her relief, it only took a few seconds to find her missing lover. He was standing by the window, looking out into the early morning darkness. She took a brief moment to catch her breath while admiring his form. Still and strong, clad in only a pair of pajama pants, the man stood with his feet slightly apart, shoulders squared, hands clasped behind his back. It was a relaxed military position, something she knew that he settled into on instinct when his mind was occupied with too many other thoughts. 

Natasha slipped from the bedsheets. Her short, satin nightgown tickled her thighs as she padded across the floor, but she ignored it in pursuit of a nicer feeling. James hardly moved as she gently pressed herself against his back, wrapping her slim arms around his strong torso. At first, she thought he was too lost in his mind to realize she was there, but after several seconds, his arms shifted to cover hers as she embraced him.

“Where are you?” Natasha whispered, resting her cheek against his shoulder blade. “You’re a million miles away.”

He took a long time to answer, blue eyes glued to the window before him.

“In the training studio with Pietro,” James finally replied, his voice quiet, heavy. “In the hospital ward where Wanda sobbed at his bedside. In Sokovia, and the Ukraine, and Japan, and Latveria, and all the other places where the Winter Soldier left his mark.”

Natasha’s heart ached in response. She understood the weight that he carried; she herself had red in her ledger. Whoever said “time heals all wounds” didn’t quite understand that guilt and regret never fade away.

In moments like these, she often found herself asking him the same question.

“Do you remember us?”

His breath came out as a sigh. “No.” It was the same answer as always, his voice unable to hide the sorrow behind it. 

She nuzzled against him, his skin warm against her cheek. Though Shuri had been certain that his memories would return in time, it only seemed to be the darkness that was resurfacing. 

“I wish you could. It’s not fair that you remember so much bad, and so little good.”

He shifted his weight from his right foot to his left, and she could almost hear his mind working through her words. 

“Maybe I don’t remember because I don’t deserve to, Tasha,” James replied. 

“Don’t say that!” she snapped back, lifting her head. Natasha circled his body, coming around to face him. Her hands moved to his chest as she looked up into his eyes, feeling his chest rise and fall with his breath, feeling his heartbeat. 

She searched those icy blues that she knew so well, looking for some kind of hope behind all the pain and sadness. “You’re good at taking responsibility for the bad you’ve done, but it’s only fair you take credit for the good, too.”

“What good?” he replied, despair making his voice crack. 

She kept her own voice firm, strong, hoping her strength would give him something to grab onto. “I’ve told you about the time you got those kids out of the hospital fire. The time you defused a bomb in a crowded apartment building. All the times you went outside your orders to ensure we didn’t cause more harm than we absolutely had to.”

He huffed. “I remember you telling me, but I don’t remember doing any of it. I don’t _feel_ any of it.”

Natasha bit her lip in uncertainly. Perhaps a different approach. “What about your memories from before? You remember being Bucky Barnes. Being Steve’s best friend and always looking out for him. Steve said you were the best person he’d ever known.”

“Yeah,” James replied, slowly. His eyes shifted down to his metal arm. “That was before I had this.”

Natasha followed his gaze and felt her heart freeze in her chest. She suddenly put it all together. What Dr. Cho had said to him earlier that day. What he was about to tell her now.

“Dr. Cho said she could get rid of this. Grow a new arm that was all _me_.”

His face had shifted to an expressionless mask, one of many defense mechanisms he still carried from Hydra’s conditioning. It was when his features shut off that Nat worried the most about what he was feeling. 

Her own heart was beating rapidly. Back when they were with Hydra and the Red Room, the Winter Soldier’s arm was a weapon in itself, and a powerful one at that. His body and how he used it made him invaluable and invincible. He could do anything with it. She had found it impressive, even attractive when they had first met. It took effort to remember that it was now a stark reminder of what had been done to him. The torture, the manipulation, the enslavement, the brainwashing. 

“How do you feel about that?” Natasha found herself asking, unsure of how to express her own thoughts. 

Again, the man before her paused, avoiding her eyes. “I hate this thing,” he finally replied. “It reminds me that I used to be one of the bad guys.”

“James,” Nat started, but he waved his hand. 

“I know you’re going to say it’s not my fault, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the things I’ve done.” He took a breath, steadying himself. “In my heart, I hate it. I’m disgusted by it.”

He shook his head, dark hair falling into his face. “But the soldier in me also knows it’s part of what makes me powerful. It’s a good tool for our allies. I don’t know if I should just throw it away.”

Natasha watched him carefully. For all of her training to think on her feet, to always have a response, to always be two steps ahead of her counterpart in any conversation, she suddenly felt at a loss for words. 

“James,” she finally managed. “This is your body. It doesn’t matter what it means to anyone but you. What is it that you want?”

It was a question he still wasn’t comfortable answering. Despite his freedom from Hydra, he had been a soldier for them, a slave for them, for so long, he still wasn’t used to accepting and voicing his own desires. 

She remembered that uncertainty when she left the Red Room. How difficult it was to think outside of what you were told to think or what you were told to feel. 

But James did well tonight. He raised his head to finally look her in the eye. “I want to take you to the beach, Tasha, without being worried about sand jamming this thing up. I want to take you on vacation wherever you want, or ever just out to dinner or something. I want to wear a t-shirt on a hot day and walk around like everyone else without being stared at.”

His hands moved to her hips, thumbs gently grazing over her curves. “I want to feel you with both hands. The way every other man can feel his girl.”

She smiled at that, thought her eyes suddenly stung with emotion. Her own hand raised to caress his cheek. “Then let the doctor give you what you want.”

“But this weapon,” he stammered, dropping his case again. “It’s important to SHIELD…”

“You have the same abilities Steve does, and he doesn’t have a metal arm,” Natasha cut in. “You’ll still do good things without it. If you need something more, maybe Tony can make you a shield, too.”

That got her a chuckle, and James raised his gaze again to meet hers. “You won’t think differently of me if I’m… normal?”

“Darling,” Nat replied with another smile, “we will never be normal. And I’ll never think differently of you.”

She dropped her hands, letting them run down his bare chest once again before stepping away, moving back toward their bed. 

“There are a few things I’ll miss about that hand though,” she called over her shoulder, flashing her boyfriend a flirtatious wink. “Maybe we can make the most of it while you’ve still got it?”

His eyes narrowed and his smile grew bolder, darker, and James followed her to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took too long to edit and post. Sorry, y’all.
> 
> Next chapter will be a bit lighter, I think!


End file.
